I’ve repeated this pattern for a few years in a row - vow to write more, have an uptick of posts in January, disappear for months, come back briefly, disappear for the rest of the year, then repeat.

Generally, sure. I’m good. I have a job, my family is healthy and doing well. But personally? No. I’m not okay.

I’m not o-fucking-kay!

I’m burnt out.

I worked for years building a career in tech while navigating a ton of personal traumas. I did it. It finally was settling into a high-profile job where I was confident in what I brought to the table. I had a team that I built up. I felt good.

Then I got laid off.

Then I searched for a job for a year. And I got a job. And I wrote about the experience and gave a talk about the experience.

And the new job has been good. But I’m not back to where I was before all of it. I’m not confident, I’m not settled. I’m getting there, but I’m not there.

I’m hurt.

Since I was a kid I adopted a mentality of getting up and moving forward no matter what happened. I never take much time to grieve or feel pain or anything. Whether the mistake is one I made, or something that happened to me, or something that was done to me - I always took the same approach.

And I have. Through a rocky childhood. Through a complicated sequence of colleges and jobs.

Through a marriage, a kid, a miscarriage, falling out with my mom, another kid, an autism diagnosis, reconciling with my mom, a divorce, a custody battle, a new relationship and taking in two wonderful girls, a new baby (that’s five if you are counting), my name being dragged through the mud, fighting for my kids, getting my kids the help they need, dealing with a spiteful ex, having my ex commit suicide, navigating my kids through losing their mom, navigating the rest of my family and the effect it had on them.

Being forced to move sooner than we planned, moving to a new state, making new friends, another autism diagnosis, and one more for good measure, a child who identifies as boy instead of a girl, IEPs - 4 of them, job changes, keeping my marriage afloat while we both deal with our hectic lives and our past traumas, getting out of debt, finding joy where I can, dealing with extended family going through similar struggles, and that’s just the stuff that's directly part of my world. What about everything else going on?

I have work to do.

Through burnout and pain, I went down a bad path. I developed an addiction and an obsession. It consumed me until it nearly ruined my life. That all came to a head last week. I’m barely holding onto the life I’ve known for 8 years. This is why I don’t want to pretend I’m okay anymore. The past has continued to affect my present. And the present just brings new things that will affect my future. I want it to stop. I want to end the cycle.

So I’m back in therapy. And I’m practicing self control and quitting my addictions. It’s easy until it’s not. I feel relief but without the chase of dopamine I’m feeling my real feelings more and more and that is hard. Because like I said earlier, I’ve buried a lot of that in favor of moving forward. So I have to dig it up now and work on myself. Sometimes tragedy breeds change.

So here I am.

But literally on the first day of the year, there was a tragedy in New Orleans. A week later, the LA wildfires began and haven’t let up since. The political shift in power is imminent.

On a personal (and much less tragic) level, we all went back to work and school. After not snowing all winter break, it of course snowed the day before school started up again. This is all relative and minuscule compared to what’s going on in the world, but it illustrates the point of my post today:

Why the hell do we start the New Year in January?

Help LA

I often feel useless when it comes to helping people going through what the folks in the LA area are going through lately, but the least I can do is share this post on how to help right now. This is about as comprehensive a guide as you can find.

Culture Study

How to Help People in LA *Right Now*

The Los Angeles Fires are terrifying for so many reasons, and on so many levels. There’s a lot to say about the existential climate dread they incite, but right now, I think most of us just need help or want desperately to help…

Read more

a year ago · 114 likes · 35 comments · Anne Helen Petersen

Winter is not the time for resolutions

This is reflected in many cultures around the world, from Chinese Lunar New Year happening late-January to early-February to Rosh Hashanah in September or October. Even in astrology, the zodiac starts with Aries season (which kicks off on March 20th). This coincides with the spring equinox, when the sun aligns directly above the equator and day and night are of equal length.

Sure seems easier to bust out some resolutions when it isn’t dark at 4pm. Beyond that, the seasons have long served as symbolic reflections of the time of year we are in. Winter almost always symbolizes death and an end to things. Spring symbolizes rebirth and renewal.

Also, New Year’s Day happens a literal week after Christmas. Sure, it can be a nice coda to the holiday season, but it’s also when most people are the most burnt out. I spent the purgatory week (the week between Christmas and New Year’s) getting over sickness and surviving my kids being home all the time. And while I do tend to be self-reflective as the year turns, everything around me isn’t conducive to hitting the ground running.

So I’m going to observe a different kind of calendar for myself, much like how I consider Monday to be the start of a week instead of Sunday. The first quarter of my year is going to start in March, when Spring begins. January and February are for reflection and getting myself setup to achieve my goals.

What I’m Reading

There are countless heart-wrenching stories coming out of the LA area, but I found myself floored by this one in particular:

Remember The Lightning

Vodka Sauce

S.W. Lauden is my pen name. The person behind it is Steve Coulter…

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a year ago · 126 likes · 52 comments · S.W. Lauden

This post from contained a quote from a NYT story that is pretty bleak but also spot on.

Meta has made a number of terrible announcements in the last two weeks and I’m grateful I was laid off 2 years ago.

Airplane Mode with Liz Plank

Mark Zuckerberg Comes Out As Spineless

Want more sharp takes, spicy commentary, and a dose of humor to keep you informed (and entertained)? My newsletter dives into the stories that matter and help us keep the powerful accountable. Don’t miss out—subscribe now and join a community that values truth, wit, and a little snark along the way. Let’s break it all down together. I’m so glad you’re …

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a year ago · 148 likes · 10 comments · Liz Plank

FreeOurFeeds is a great idea and I really hope it can go somewhere. It’s so hard to get people to move platforms though…

User Mag

A $30M plan to take back social media from billionaires

Today, a group of former Twitter users who are fed up by the platform’s decline under billionaire control, are launching a new campaign to transform social media into a public good, free from profit-driven incentives, venture capital pressure, and politically-motivated censorship…

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a year ago · 231 likes · 2 comments · Taylor Lorenz

Odds & Ends

• I’ve started a new role at Adobe since right before the year began. I took a lateral step into being an individual contributor instead of a manager and there’s definitely some differences. I love being a manager but I think this is the right step for me at this point in my career and in the long run. I’m re-energized and feel like I have my footing again for the first time in a long time.

• I’ve been on a Jimmy Eat World kick lately. The run of Clarity, Bleed American, and Futures is one of the best 3 album runs ever. I need to dive back into their more recent albums.

  • On that note, “Polaris” is one of my favorite songs ever.

• For some reason (nostalgia), I’ve put The Simpsons on every night while I’m working. I’m really enjoying going through the series. For the first time I’ve noticed the dip in quality around season 9 like everyone has always talked about. As a kid I watched the syndicated episodes on UPN so I never really saw the show in chronological order, which makes the dip in quality more apparent.

  • All that being said, the show does get better again as the seasons go on and increases in quality specifically around the time The Simpsons Movie comes out.

• I didn’t get a chance to share the gifts my wife got me for Christmas, but among them was a drum set, a spider-man lego set, and a digital display for our family to stay organized. She just gets me.

That’s all for now. Stay tuned for my Favorites of 2024 post coming (hopefully) this week!

Subscribe now

What really matters? I asked myself that a bunch in 2024. I usually love January and went into the last one positive and energized and ready to shake off a really tough 2023. Instead, a job I thought was for sure I was going to get didn’t pan out and suddenly our finances got really tight. It would be another 4 months before I finally got that job, and the whole journey to get there was an experience in itself.

All of that disrupted my best laid plans but we adjusted and made it through somehow.

Un-Unemployed

The post in April that signified the end of my year-long journey to find a job was cathartic. It was also the last time I would write publicly in 2024 but you can forgive me for shifting my focus to my new job at Adobe. That story also resonated with a lot of folks and brought me a ton of great connections. It even sparked a speaking engagement at Rosenfield’s DesignOps Summit 2024. This was my first time speaking at a conference of any kind and was a really cool step in my career. Would I have preferred to speak about my trade instead of the struggle of being unemployed? Sure! But you gotta start somewhere.

The actual job I got was also a big step for my career, but in the year of ups and downs, I ended up switching to a different team in the last month. I was disappointed at the events that went down that led me to that decision but I’m also excited to start fresh with a new team in a role where I am confident I’ll be able to make an impact. So in a way I get another fresh start while staying at the same company right as the new year hits. I can’t really ask for anything more than that. Also, the people I work with are some of the best folks I’ve ever known so I feel really confident in the longevity of my career there.

K through Seven

In 2024, all of our kids officially became enrolled in the primary education system. Parker started Kindergarten which was a huge step for him and he has been doing really well - even when he has some difficult days. But for him to be diagnosed with Autism at age 3 and barely speak to talking as much as he does now and understanding so much and being able to go through a full day in a mainstream class is incredible.

Izzy started 3rd grade which feels crazy but also perfectly normal because she often is the most grounded and mature of our kids. She continued piano and played a recital (one of my favorite moments of the year). Izzy also started volleyball and really took to it and is going to play again in spring (I might coach, too!). Isabelle continues to do well in school as well and gets along with everyone. You will never meet a more creative and silly kid, she’s awesome.

Hudson is in 5th grade technically, his last year in his special education autism program he’s been in since we moved to Colorado. He’s communicating much more with his iPad talker and is as joyful and energetic as he’s always been. 2025 is going to be a big year for him as he will move to middle school and start a new program.

Dakota had a huge turnaround in 2024. After his big transition to identifying as a boy, he really settled in and has been killing it at school. His grades going into winter break were outstanding (all A’s and B’s) and he’s really focused on what he needs to do. He’s so young at heart and is so close with Hudson.

And finally, Zoe has been thriving as well. She’s struggled a bit in a school but has been improving lately. She’s been singing in choir, started cheer, and resumed her parkour classes. Zoe definitely is busy with a thriving social life. She remains a force to everyone she meets.

We still have our three dogs - Captain, Penny, and Nova - and our two cats Boone and Sawyer. They all continue to be the bestest boys and girls and live the life of luxurious food, treats, walks, and pets.

And Liz! I’m so damn proud of her. At the beginning of year she was going to start school and when I didn’t get that job she had to pull out. If you know her, she’s had this happen to her so many times that the guilt I felt over causing it again was a lot. She pivoted and got a job working with dogs to help us out and once I got a job and we got through summer, she took a big leap and enrolled in a Cosmetology program. This was big for her because this is something she’s always wanted to do and been blocked from completing.

Goodbyes

The best part of our year was when we visited my mother-and-father-in-law in California. The trip was planned last minute after Zoe and Dakota spent a few weeks with them but we are so glad we did. The week ended up being amazing. I don’t often feel relaxed when we take trips (for obvious reasons) and I felt so happy and relaxed the whole time we were there. Our kids played in the pool with their cousins, we rode ATVs, and enjoyed each other's company so so much.

I’m so grateful forever that we had that week, because a few weeks ago we lost my father-in-law, Peter. He had been dealing with ailments for years but he seemed indestructible to a degree. He made the decision to stop treatment after Thanksgiving, which was a decision we all respected but obviously struggled to accept. I’m grateful that I got to share my feelings and love for him by writing to him before he passed on. His death has not been easy for our family, he was the rare person that everyone loved and cherished. For me, he was a father figure in a way that no one else has been. I feel like in a different life he was my dad by blood, so losing him is akin to losing my father. We miss him dearly.

Disassociation & Self-Care

As far as the world outside of me and my family, I don’t really have much to offer that hasn’t been put out there by others. I’ve lost a ton of faith in our government to ever actually be for the people and I’m disillusioned by the state of capitalism, specifically in my own industry. The election was extremely disappointing and affirming of the disillusion I feel. While my values won’t change, I have adopted a more insular focus to myself and those around me. I will continue to fight the good fight when I can, but it’s hard to want to subject myself to the daily doomscrolling with any hope that this country is going to figure it out.

With all that said, my resolutions are aimed at bettering myself and those around me because that’s what I can control.

2024 Resolutions Review

Before I share my resolutions for 2025, I wanted to revisit 2024. I wrote down resolutions for myself for the first time in a while last year, so I thought it would be interesting to see how I fared. I’m going to give myself a “pass”, “fail”, or ‘in progress” for each of these.

Write more - In Progress

• The goal: Songs, newsletters, case studies, whatever comes to me. I wrote so much about my career issues last year and would like to focus on the many other things I find interesting.

• The result: I did not write nearly as much as I wanted to and I certainly did not write about non-career things. But, I wrote a post about my job search journey that turned into a lot more than I anticipated. I ended up making a lot of connections and even speaking at the DesignOps Summit which was an awesome experience. So I’m giving myself an “in progress” for this one.

Create more space for my brain to pursue things I love - Fail

• The goal: With so much of my time wrapped up in job searching, I lost so much energy toward music and writing and other things I love to do. I want to get better at piano, guitar, and music production. I want to actually release music this year.

• The result: I probably played music less this year than I did in 2023. I’m looking for a spark to reignite myself going forward, but there was a lot more burnout than I anticipated in 2024.

Get healthy - Pass

• The goal: 2023 took a toll on my physical health by way of my mental health. I gained weight. I stopped exercising as much as I should. I ate poorly. I slept poorly. I did my best but I intend to be better this year. I walk the dogs daily but I need to do more in terms of exercise. I need to actively remind myself to eat and sleep better, or else all the bad habits will come back.

• The result: I lost 25lbs, which has been awesome for my psyche, my health, and my energy. I’m not at my goal weight yet but I’m taking steps to be more healthy going forward. I stayed pretty consistent in walking the dogs but haven’t added much more to my routine. I hope to change that.

Get out - Pass

• The goal: I want to travel and experience more things in 2024. I’ve mentioned traveling again, but I also want to attend more concerts, explore Colorado, go to more events with my family. I want to live a bit more out loud in 2024 after spending a year in what feels like hibernation.

• The result: I traveled to California 3 times in 2024. Twice for work and once to spend a week with family. That trip ended up being the best memory of 2024 and allowed me and the family to see my father-in-law Peter, who passed away this month. I’m so grateful we all got that last time with him but I wish we had more. I also attended a Twenty One Pilots concert with Liz but missed out on some other shows I wanted to attend. 2024 was an improvement, but still not where I’d want to be with living a more exciting life.

Live and Love with Intention - In Progress

• The goal: I spent so much of the last year trying to keep my head above water that I often felt disengaged from life around me. I’ve lost people close to me in the last few years and it didn’t feel good being so caught up in my own issues that I put aside relationships with family and friends. I want to be more present and engaged in the world around me.

• The result: In retrospect, this resolution wasn’t very clear but the sentiment made sense. I did make more of an effort to connect with friends and family but not as much as I’d like. I also want to be more present with my kids and wife but I definitely felt like I improved this year.

So that’s 2024. I’m happy enough with how I fared but I certainly can do better. That leads me to 2025.

2025 Resolutions

So much was uncertain heading into 2024, I didn’t have a job yet (and I wouldn’t for another 5 months) and our family was in flux while we had no steady income. Now that more is settled, I feel like my resolutions can be clearer. I also wanted to simplify my resolutions in the spirit of this excellent piece by Liz Plank about doing less in 2025.

Optimize My Health

Last year the goal was to simply “get healthy” which I did to an extent. I lost weight and gave myself a better baseline for eating well and being active. In 2025, I want to take that to the next logical step and actually optimize my health and put myself in a place where I don’t just feel good, I feel great. This looks like actually working out, sleeping better, increasing my energy levels, and improving my health markers (blood pressure, cholesterol, etc).

Make Things

This is similar to the resolution I failed in 2024, but that failure makes me motivated to turn this trend around. I was stressed the first half of the year trying to find a job and then stressed the second half of the year onboarding to a new job and stabilizing our home life. I have a better jumping off point now. So much of being creative and making things is having the energy and motivation to do it. I know what I want to do - make music, write, even build legos! - but it starts with re-energizing myself and making room to do these things. That’s the goal.

Eliminate Debt & Save

This one is pretty cut and dry. After a year of financial struggle because of my unemployment, we have an opportunity to get ahead financially. The first step is to pay off as much debt as possible. We accumulated a lot of debt over the last year or two and my goal is to pay it off. The bonus goal here is to see if we can also get ahead and get some savings. We have a long term goal to buy a new home in 2027, so I’d love to make significant progress toward that.

Take Pictures

This one is also simple (notice a theme here?). In 2024, I lost my father-in-law and when I was going through my photos to post about him, I realized I had none with just me and him. I’ve long hated taking pictures of myself, even when it’s a selfie with others. But being faced with that harsh reality of so few memories of someone I loved and lost should be enough to snap me out of this. Also, my kids are growing up way too fast and I’m not capturing it enough. I’m never going to be the person who takes too many photos, so I can stand to be more mindful of this.

Have Experiences

For my final resolution, I want to continue to experience things. This goes hand-in-hand with downsizing and having fewer things. I’m generally a more minimal person but I want to be mindful about getting rid of things more than adding things. If I feel a void from fewer things, I can fill them with experiences. More date nights, more concerts, more travel - whatever it is. That is where the joy in life comes from. More of that please!

So that’s 2024. As for what matters? Well, I’d say that the people close to you and the things we make from love and passion are what matter. Hold onto that.

Around February of this year…

I said to my wife that it was clear that I was going to be unemployed for exactly a year. April 19th, 2023 is when I got the notice from Meta that I was being laid off. I figured it was all too poetic to not happen this way. Sometimes you can’t ignore such clear universal signs, so here I am exactly a year later writing about the end of my unemployment.

Let’s start with the destination. I’ll be starting at Adobe as a Senior Manager of Design Operations in a little over a week! Even writing that sentence still feels surreal because of the lower standards I was willing to accept as the year went on. What’s even more insane is that I had two offers that were almost identical. What should have been a triumphant moment that was easy ended up being its own form of (albeit privileged) stress. I felt a weird sense of survivor’s guilt even though my bank account is lower than it has been in years and I’m now familiar with how to deliver with DoorDash. But I made the tough choice and vowed to help refer folks to the role I didn’t accept because I’m not about to get comfortable in my success again. Not after this year.

In the beginning I tried to spin it all positive.

“Hey, maybe I’ll actually get a job before my severance kicks in and it will be like making a double income for a bit!”

“I was feeling burnt out so this will be good for me! I can focus on making music and getting healthy again!”

“I’m going to find a better role and end up better off!”

Well, that last one ended up being true even if it was about 9 months later than I figured.

After that initial reflection on being laid off (which has become all too common since), I shared some initial feelings of imposter syndrome. That was back in August! I thought that was my lowest point and boy did I get that wrong. I stopped and started all kinds of new habits. I went to therapy and switched around my medications. I got hopeful, then crushed, then did it all over again, week by week.

I was “fine” throughout the whole ordeal, but as anyone who has experienced this can attest, it still hurts when bullets hit a bulletproof vest. My job search stats tell that story very well.

Here’s some fun facts from my job search over the last year:

• I submitted around 710 job applications.

  • 50 (7%) of those applications resulted in an interview.

  • 370 (52%) of those applications actually sent rejection emails.

  • That means that 420 (~60%) of my applications received no response at all.

• From those 710 applications, I interviewed for 50 different roles. That’s 7% of my applications actually resulting in an interview.

  • Those 50 roles were across 44 companies. I interviewed for 3 different roles at 2 different companies. I interviewed for 2 different roles at 2 different companies.

• So I mentioned I got interview requests for 50 different roles. This resulted in a total of 153 interviews! And this doesn’t include prep calls with recruiters, connections or referrals, or feedback calls. For these 50 roles, here’s how many got to the 4 stages I classify as Phone Screen, Manager Interview, Panel Interviews, and a Case Study Presentation.

  • Phone Screen: 47 out of the 50 roles (94%). 2 roles cancelled ahead of the scheduled interviews, 1 role cancelled just hours ahead of the interview.

  • Manager Interview: 36 out of 50 (72%) roles I met with the potential hiring manager.

  • Panel Interviews: 19 out of 50 (38%) roles had me meet with folks individually. I had a total of 64 interviews in this stage.

  • Case Studies: 6 out of the 50 roles (12%) had me present a case study. These required a ton of prep and I usually presented to anywhere from 3 to 8 people.

• After all of that I ended up getting 5 offers over the year.

  • 2 were short-term contracts with Atlassian and Microsoft, respectively.

  • 1 was a full time offer with a company that I ended up quitting a few weeks later because it was a very bad fit.

  • Finally, a week ago, I had 2 offers from Adobe and Atlassian and was faced with the toughest decision I’ve had in my career.

Here’s some other fun experiences I had in the last year:

• I spoke with one company a day after being laid off. In retrospect that was way too soon.

• I had a full loop of interviews for a role completed within a month of being laid off. Again, too soon after to be fully present.

• For one role, my recruiter was laid off in the middle of my loop. That wasn’t very encouraging.

• I got ghosted by 4 companies. And I went back to interview for different roles for 2 of those companies. Fool me once…

• The company that had the most interviews with was Freshworks. 14 interviews for 2 roles. I was ghosted and later rejected for both of those roles. I’m trying to remain neutral from this experience but I do not recommend ever interviewing with that company.

• Another company had me interview 12 TIMES for a role. They interviewed me first for a manager role, rejected me, and asked me to interview for a senior IC role. They offered me that IC role after but this was the company I left after a few weeks. I would name the company but they’ve recently had layoffs and I don’t want to kick them while they are down.

• I had 6 to 7 interviews for 11 different roles. So the bulk of my interviews were from full loops with these companies.

What I learned

It’s easy to look back on a tough year and laugh at some of the crazy statistics and absurd situations I had. I had some moments of real hope and excitement and a lot more moments of crushing defeat mixed with anger and rejection. We burned through our savings. We were unsure where we’d get our medications and healthcare. We had to prioritize bills and limit the amount of snacks the kids ate!

Through all of that, there was this feeling I always had that the next step in my career was coming. After some rejections earlier this year, I met with former colleagues and specifically one who got a role over me. I asked him for advice on how to present myself and structure my case study presentations. I took his feedback and incorporated it while also rethinking the rest of my approach. From that point, I got offers from the next two companies that asked for a case study presentation. I also applied for many types of roles throughout the year, all roles that I have done or have the right experience for. I talked to companies about Technical Program Management, Business Operations, Product Operations, Creative Operations, Digital Delivery, eCommerce, Growth, Strategy, and UX Program Management. Of course, I talked to the most companies about Design Operations and Design Program Management. Because I realized through all of this that it would never feel right to specialize in most of the above roles - that Design Operations is where I want my career to be at this point.

There is so much to be gleaned from this experience I’ve had over the last year. Hiring practices need to improve across the board. I could get into so much of it in the future, but today I want to celebrate surviving a very difficult time while also jumping on an excellent and exciting new opportunity. It never felt like those two things would align, and I went through 3 short-term jobs and a lot of months of unemployment before things did align.

As I head into my next role that I really hope is a long-term role, I do feel like I’m on the next phase of my career. I had the “entry-level, new college grad” phase. I had the “finding my niche” phase. Most recently I had the “establish and solidify” phase.

Now, I hope I’m in my “grow and thrive” phase.

I have long wanted to do a recap of my favorite music and entertainment of the past year, but my ADHD or something else (pretty much always ADHD) gets in the way and the post becomes yet another collection of thoughts that stay somewhere deep in the back of my brain, only to be spoken of when I randomly rank albums with my wife or talk about our favorite shows.

So in the spirit of an intentional and driven 2024, I’m here to rank my favorite things from 2023. Let’s start!

Music - My Favorite Albums of 2023

1. RAYE - My 21st Century Blues

In 2023, there were albums that I listened to more often, but none had the craft, the passion, and the overall talent that Raye put into her first full-length album My 21st Century Blues. Raye is an artist that is elite at every aspect of being a musician - Unbelievable singer? Check. Raw and biting lyrics? Check. Diverse musicianship and genre-blending? Check and check! The way she produces biting takedowns of assholes in the music industry in songs like “Hard Out Here.” and “Ice Cream Man.” then deftly transitions to introspection on tracks like the viral hit “Escapism.” and the stunning “Body Dysmorphia.” while finding time to celebrate love in songs like “Worth It.” is as cohesive a story any artist can hope to achieve.

Choice Cuts: “Hard Out Here.” “Escapism.” “Flip a Switch.” “Worth It.”

2. Salem Ilese - High Concept

Salem Ilese was a surprise addition to my favorite artists in 2023, as her catchy and cheeky song “Strongly Worded Letter” came across my Instagram feed and I decided to take a deeper listen to her catalog. Turns out that she had a semi-viral hit “Mad at Disney” a few years ago and has continued to churn out well-crafted pop hits that borrow elements from pop-punk and center around clever wordplay. Lucky for me, after I discovered her she announced this album containing a number of her already released songs and a bunch of new ones as well. It all comes together in the first song, “The Trailer” where she gives a preview of most of the songs on the album before transitioning to an introductory ballad about how trailers give away too much of the plot. I was sold from that point on and this album became my most listened to in 2023.

Choice Cuts: “The Trailer” “2much2think” “don’t shop when ur hungry !!” “Strongly Worded Letter” “Whiplash” (From the deluxe version)

3. Olivia Rodrigo - GUTS

Olivia doesn’t need much introduction to anyone who knows anything about popular music, but GUTS certainly needs time to digest for those who might have expected more pop ballads with a dose of pop-punk in her sophomore album. Instead, Olivia flips the expectation and leans more into the punk and rock elements that she dabbled with in her first album Sour and smartly separates herself from her peers by producing a more dynamic, electric, and bold collection of songs that still gives us enough emotional balladry to get us in our feelings while playing around with a number of different vocal tones as she shifts styles. At some points I couldn’t believe I was listening to the same singer on the same album. I’m not sure if Guts ranks higher than Sour for me, but it’s awfully close. While Sour was very cohesive, Guts is probably more relatable, even to a 35-year-old dad like myself, which is a marvel in itself.

Choice Cuts: “bad idea right?” “ballad of a homeschooled girl” “logical” “teenage dream”

4. Maisie Peters - The Good Witch

Maisie Peters is another artist who drew inspiration from Taylor Swift’s lyrical prowess and has since established her own brand of cheeky, raw, and brilliant lyrics sung over an endless exploration of genres while maintaining all the hallmarks of pop that reel you in. The Good Witch is a brilliant evolution from her debut You Signed Up For This that takes more risks, gets even more honest, and manages to keep your body moving while taking well-placed breaks to deliver her trademark singer/songwriter style ballads. There’s not many artists this fun, this honest, and this talented at bringing all the disparate elements together than Maisie Peters.

Choice Cuts: “Coming Of Age” “Watch” “BSC” “Run” “Yoko” (from the deluxe version)

5. Paramore - This is Why

One thing you can’t say about Paramore is that they have gotten stale or complacent. While the band member changes have been well documented, the stylistic differences - especially across their last 3 albums - have been stark. This Is Why picks things up where their last album After Laughter ended and takes things in a more aggressive, progressive, and almost grungy direction. I won’t lie that the my initial listen of the album left me a bit nonplussed, but as I dug in deeper the layers of musicianship revealed to be a poignant, angry, complicated tale of millennials living in the world today. Hayley’s voice isn’t featured as prominently in the past to make way for drummer Zac’s underrated percussion and guitarist Taylor’s progressive styles to get equal billing. Still, Hayley’s vocal delivery is as great as ever and doesn’t need big, belting moments to drive home the emotion she feels singing these lyrics.

Choice Cuts: “Running Out Of Time” “Big Man, Little Dignity” “You First” “Crave”

6. Fall Out Boy - So Much (For) Stardust

Fall Out Boy’s So Much (For) Stardust was a revelation for me. A band I thought I had outgrown came back with a vintage, but evolved collection of songs that give you everything you can ask of Fall Out Boy. The fact that my 5-year-old son had this as his favorite album (likely of his entire life to this point) gave me a lot more listens than I might have had otherwise. What’s surprising is that the songs rarely ever got stale to me, from the bombastic opener “Love From The Other Song” all the way to the equally thrilling title track closer, this album is a celebration of the intricate (bordering on ridiculous) lyricism, driving pop and rock blend of the band, and Patrick’s iconic voice delivering yet another gem in the impressive discography of Fall Out Boy. Hold on, I think my son is asking me to play this album again.

Choice Cuts: “Love From The Other Side” “Hold Me Like a Grudge” “Flu Game” “I Am My Own Muse”

7. Kesha - Gag Order

When I played the first single “Eat The Acid” from Gag Order, I was floored. There’s never been a Kesha track that sounded like this. The lyrics, the sound, and especially her voice were visceral. I enjoyed Kesha’s previous album High Road (2020) but felt that it lacked some of the honesty that we had come to expect after the groundbreaking Rainbow (2017) had revealed the true artist underneath all the fun, dance pop she had produced prior to all her trauma and struggles from working with Dr. Luke. Gag Order is Kesha’s final declaration to that difficult era of her career and her life that she can hopefully move forward from. What is remarkable about this album is how well the unconventional approach works, with songs like “Only Love Can Save Us Now” capturing some of that old Kesha magic while tracks like “Fine Line” and “Living In My Head” experiment with a stripped down, raw approach. The album ends with two remarkable ballads that remind us of Kesha’s rock and country roots and put a bow on the album that probably took me most by surprise in 2023.

Choice Cuts: “Eat The Acid” “Fine Line” “All I Need Is You” “Happy”

8. Lily & Madeleine - Nite Swim

I’ve been lucky to follow these two sisters for the entirely of their career which has spanned over a decade of beautiful folk and indie piano and guitar driven music punctuated by their effervescent blood harmonies. Nite Swim is the titular sisters’ first album since 2019, now as independent artists. The album is produced by their long time collaborator Shannon Hayden, who also plays all of the violin and cello parts throughout. The result of the time off and new approach is a fuller sound that levels up their consistently beautiful arrangements and the way their alto and soprano voices play off each other to take you on a metaphorical night swim.

Choice Cuts: “Rolling Rock” “Good Things” “Ocean Ave” “Lost Boys”

9. Joseph - The Sun

Another group of sisters returning after a long hiatus to produce an excellent comeback album, Joseph brings their pop-folk sound back with a renewed energy. Opener “Waves Crash” slowly crescendos with a driving percussion and tight 3-part blood harmony to lead into the title single, “The Sun”, a pop anthem similar to their most popular song, “White Flag”. The album doesn’t slow down from that point - touching on self-healing following a breakup, daily anxieties, and new forays into romance. What never stops is the driving force of these songs, keeping you engaged until the sisters slow things down with a positive note on album closer “Love Is Flowing”.

Choice Cuts: “The Sun” “Fireworks” “Slow Dance” “Nervous System”

10. Blink-182 - One More Time...

When the original lineup reunited (not actually the original, but the core trio of Tom, Mark, and Travis) to release the cheeky single “Edging” late in 2022, I was cautiously excited for a Blink-182 album in years. While I appreciated the albums with Matt Skiba replacing Tom, I learned that Tom’s distinct voice and guitar style were so ostensively Blink-182 that I couldn’t ever love the band the same way without him. So when the album opens with “Anthem Part 3”, it’s clear the band realized this and went back to what has always made Blink-182, Blink-182. There’s not much I can capture around the feelings One More Time… gave me that isn’t brilliantly captured in this review by Jason Tate - but what I can say is that the album achieves so much of what I no longer thought was possible with this band. Are there some songs I don’t care for? Yes. But overall this album brought me right back to those nights as a teenager feeling pissed off and wanting to joke it all away.

Choice Cuts: “Anthem Part 3” “When We Were Young” “Blink Wave” “Childhood”

11. Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness - Tilt At The Wind No More

12. City & Colour - The Love Still Held Me Near

13. Taking Back Sunday - 152

14. Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit - Weathervanes

15. Thrice - The Artist in the Ambulance (Revisited)

16. Alana Springsteen - Twenty Something

17. Trousdale - Out of My Mind

18. Madison Beer - Silence Between Songs

19. Foo Fighters - But Here We Are

20. The Japanese House - In The End It Always Does

My 11-20 albums were all worthy of being in my top 10. A good theme amongst these albums is a resurgence of quality, from Andrew McMahon’s best album in years to City & Colour’s beautiful ode to grief and finding light. Taking Back Sunday surprised me almost as much as any artist with an extremely fun and polished album. Jason Isabel finally found his way into my listening rotation after years of being intrigued by his songwriting. Thrice released one of the better re-recordings of an album you can find, especially one as iconic and influential as The Artist in the Ambulance.

Alana Springsteen might be my one my favorite new country artists with a well-crafted debut album. Trousdale was another surprise new artist that I found late in the year but quickly climbed my rankings, they feel like a modern day The Chicks. Madison Beer was an artist I decided to check out this year and was pleasantly surprised by her moving voice and atmosphere. The Foo Fighters released a beautiful album in the wake of grief. The Japanese House, another artist who found her way into my rotation this year, released an indie gem.

21. Sufjan Stevens - Javelin

22. Nightly - wear your heart out

23. Nickel Creek - Celebrants

24. boygenius - the record

25. The National - First Two Pages of Frankenstein

26. Daughter - Stereo Mind Game

27. Claire Rosinkranz - Just Because

28. Lauren Spencer Smith - Mirror

29. Chris Stapleton - Higher

30. Zach Bryan - Zach Bryan

Rounding out my top 30 are a number of critically acclaimed albums that I didn’t spend as much time with as I’d like. Sufjan Stevens released an astounding album that might be higher on re-rank as I have more time with it. Nightly captured the pop synth sound in a pleasing way. Nickel Creek came back from another long hiatus to release a purely enjoyable bluegrass album. boygenius found their way into my rotation after I had been put off by them for a while. The National impressed with two albums, but First Two Pages of Frankenstein hit a higher mark with some excellent collaborations. Daughter returned from a 5-year absence to bring more indie-folk goodness. Claire Rosinkranz and Lauren Spencer Smith were a couple of Gen-Z female artists that I started listening to and who grew on me quickly. Finally, Chris Stapleton and Zach Bryan impressed as a mainstays in the “good” country genre.

Music - Favorite EPs

Anberlin – Convinced

Conner Price - Till Next Time

Emei - Scatterbrain

Josie Dunne - Marco!

Juliet Ivy - playpen

Kelsea Ballerini – Rolling Up the Welcome Mat

Kenzie Cait - Buffalo

Manchester Orchestra – The Valley of Vision

Sigrid – The Hype

sundial - The Roaring Twenties

Yellowcard - Childhood Eyes

Zach Bryan – Boys of Faith

A number of artists I’ve been a big fan of for some time came back not with albums, but excellent EPs that deserve mention above. I also discovered a number of other artists through these EPs. Anberlin and Yellowcard continued the theme of comebacks and resurgence of bands I liked in my youth. Conner Price hooked me with all his Instagram skits and got me into his music. Emei brought some attitude to her take on pop, while Josie Dunne’s excellent EP got me to dip into her back catalog as one of my most listened to artists of 2023. Kelsea Ballerini gave me another country artist to admire. Kenzie Cait and Juliet Ivy were two more young female singer/songwriters I enjoyed discovering this year. Sigrid teased with an excellent but too-short EP and sundial did the same with their EP.

Music - Honorable Mentions

There’s a lot of good stuff in these honorable mentions. 2023 was a fantastic year for music, both for artists I discovered and for artists that I’ve been with for a while. The idea that some of these albums couldn’t crack my top 30 is a testament to the excellent output of music in 2023.

• Holly Humberstone - Paint My Bedroom Black

• Carly Rae Jepsen - The Loveliest Time

• Caitlyn Smith - High & Low

• The National - Laugh Track

• Boys Like Girls - Sunday at Foxwoods

• Rhiannon Giddens - You're the One

• Angie McMahon - Light, Dark, Light Again

• Demi Lovato - Revamped

• Patrick Droney - Subtitles for Feelings

• Pony - Velveteen

• Ed Sheeran - minus (-)

• Ed Sheeran - Autumn Variations

• Ellie Goulding - Higher Than Heaven

• Caroline Polachek - Desire, I Want To Turn Into You

• All Time Low - Tell Me I'm Alive

• The Aces - I've Loved You For So Long

• Birdy - Portraits

• Jason Mraz - Mystical Magical Rhythmical Radical Ride

• Kenzie Cait - Innocence

• Kelly Clarkson - Chemistry

• Janelle Monae - The Age of Pleasure

• Arrows in Action - Built to Last

• Story of the Year - Tear Me to Pieces

• The Used - Toxic Positivity

• The War and Treaty - Lover's Game

• P!nk - TRUSTFALL

• NF - HOPE

• Queens of the Stone Age - In Times New Roman

• Taylor Swift - Speak Now (TV)

• Taylor Swift - 1989 (TV)

• Turnpike Troubadours - A Cat in the Rain

• Spanish Love Songs - No Joy

• Gorillaz - Cracker Island

• The Dear Hunter - Migrant Returned

• Bebe Rexha - Bebe

• Ava Max - Diamonds & Dancefloors

• Chris Farren - Doom Singer

• Jason Hawk Harris - Thin Places

• Gracie Abrams - Good Riddance

• Dave Hause - Drive It Like It's Stolen

• Chad Perrone - What Would I Leave You With?

• The Young Hearts - Somewhere Through the Night

• Ratboys - The Window

• Megan Moroney - Lucky

• Maine, The - The Maine

• Miley Cyrus - Endless Summer Vacation

• Lori McKenna - 1988

• Laufey - Bewitched

• Koyo - Would You Miss It?

• FRND CRCL - Suburban Dictionary

• Tate McRae - THINK LATER

• Ruston Kelly - The Weakness

• Origami Angel - The Brightest Days

• Tyler Posey - Unravel

• Jonas Brothers - The Album

Movies I Enjoyed

• Barbie

• The Super Mario Bros. Movie

• A Haunting in Venice

• Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

• Elemental

• Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania

I’m admittedly very bad at keeping up with movies. The few I see in theaters are usually for our kids and any others are ones that can fit into one of the weekly nights I have with my wife. We usually spend those nights watching shows so movies rarely make the cut. That being said, Across the Spider-Verse was easily my favorite movie of 2023, with Barbie a close second. The animation in Spider-Verse is so incredible and the story, music, and voice-acting were all top-notch. I cannot wait for the next one.

Television I Enjoyed

• The Last of Us

• Shrinking

• Ted Lasso

• Scott Pilgrim Takes Off

• Mayfair Witches

• That 90’s Show

• The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

• The Great

• Ginny & Georgia

• Servant

• You

• Shadow & Bone

• Succession

• The Witcher

• Only Murders in the Building

• Sex Education

• Loki

I kept up a little better with TV this year, but during the last few months of the year my wife and I opted to rewatch Friends. After Matthew Perry’s passing, rewatching that show served as a really nice familiar, funny show that kept us in good spirits. I’ve been so burnt out on job searching that it became harder to invest into new shows.

The Last Of Us ended up being the best video game adaptation ever and exceeded even my high expectations. Ted Lasso ended its run as a very comfy show for me to watch that made me smile, which is all I could’ve asked. Maisel and The Great ended their runs spectacularly. You and Servant were pulpy, twisted fun. I didn’t really watch the Marvel or Star Wars shows this year, which is both a reflection of the waning quality of these IPs and my waning interest.

Video Games I Enjoyed

• Final Fantasy XVI (PS5)

• Marvel’s Spider-Man 2 (PS5)

• The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (Switch)

• Hogwarts Legacy (PS5, Xbox, PC, Switch)

• Fire Emblem Engage (Switch)

• Blanc (Switch, PC)

• Wild Hearts (PS5, Xbox, PC)

• Oxenfree II: Lost Signals (PS5, Switch, PC)

• Sea of Stars (PC, PS5, Xbox, Switch

• Lies of P (PC, PS5, Xbox)

• Tchia (PS5)

• Cyberpunk 2077: Phantom Liberty (expansion) (PS5, Xbox, PC)

• God of War: Ragnorok - Valhalla (expansion) (PS5)

2023 was a good year for video games. I always spend too much time playing the newest, never-improving Madden NFL games because I love playing as my favorite team and winning the Super Bowl, but it’s not time well spent. Despite that, this year had a couple of expected gems like Spider-Man 2 and Tears of the Kingdom with some unexpected titles I really enjoyed like Final Fantasy XVI and the expansions to God of War and Cyberpunk 2077. There were a number of fun indie games released as well and plenty of others I didn’t get around to playing in 2023 (looking at you Resident Evil and Baldur’s Gate III!) that I’m sure I’ll enjoy in the near future when they go on sale.

Most Anticipated in 2024

Whew, that’s quite a list! I would be remiss if I didn’t end this by looking ahead to some of my most anticipated releases in this coming year.

Music

• Green Day - Saviors

• Ariana Grande - Eternal Sunshine

• Norah Jones - Visions

• Sum 41 - Heaven :x: Hell

• Dua Lipa

• Billie Eilish

• Lil Nas X

• Katie Pruitt

• Blu Detiger

• Salem Ilese

• Josie Dunn

• Selena Gomez

• Taylor Swift

• Halsey

• Kacey Musgraves

• Clario

TV

• Echo (Disney+)

• True Detective: Night Country (Max)

• Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Prime)

• Avatar: The Last Airbender (Netflix)

• Fallout (Prime)

• Bridgerton (Netflix)

• House of the Dragon (Max)

• Wednesday (Netflix)

• You (Netflix)

• Orphan Black: Echoes (AMC)

Movies

• Argylle

• Madame Web (I’m cautiously excited for this based on the actors)

• Inside Out 2

• Deadpool 3

• Spider-Man: Beyond the Spider-Verse

• Beetlejuice 2

• Wicked Part 1

Video Games

• Skull and Bones

• Final Fantasy 7: Rebirth

• Rise of the Ronin

• Star Wars Outlaws

• Marvel’s Wolverine

• The Casting of Frank Stone

• Hades 2

Thank you so much for reading and letting me share my favorite things. Till next year!

Background

At Twitter, I was hired as the first Design Program Manager (DPM). The team later expanded to 4 total DPMs through new hires and role transitions. Twitter was broken into two product organizations - Consumer & Revenue. I was the sole DPM responsible for managing the Revenue Product Organization roadmap and product delivery for the Design & Research team. 

As I canvassed where I could have the greatest impact in a very broad role, I focused on the overall roadmap and design operations structure within all the Revenue Design & Research teams, which spanned 3 Product Design Directors, 2 Research Directors, and 1 Content Design Manager and their respective pillar teams. I started working with this leadership team to develop better design operations to increase effectiveness and efficiency in how we worked with our cross-functional product partners, our design process, and how we managed capacity planning with our teams. 

About 6 months into this work, with good progress being made with our Design & Research teams, I started supporting a product initiative for Twitter Ads both in timeline and in conversation replies. This initiative required working with teams across both the Revenue and Consumer product orgs. As I engaged with stakeholders across disciplines and organizations, I noticed some pretty big gaps and blockers in the product development process. More specifically, I had trouble navigating a project where each team worked using a different product development process with different phases, different requirements, and different jargon. 

And so, I created Flyway. 

Pursuing a near-impossible change

I could’ve navigated around that particular project, made it work, and moved on. But I saw an opportunity to create something that could impact the entire company at a larger scale. I love to work on operations programs that do any one of the following - centralize knowledge, create streamlined templates, increase efficiency of product launches, help people work smarter and not harder (and achieve better work/life balance), or better utilize the expertise of everyone involved in building products - this was an opportunity to do all of those things. 

I started this audacious idea by reaching out to the Strategy & Operations leads for both product orgs. I met with them each individually, then convinced them both to join a weekly brainstorm session around bettering the product development processes at Twitter. The idea wasn’t to combine them just yet, but to find ways to improve them both and make them more uniform. We started a google sheet comparing and contrasting the two processes and doing a sort of SWOT analysis on both. We found a lot of good in both processes but also a lot of opportunity. After each meeting, both of the ops folks I worked with would go back and draft changes to their respective processes. Before one meeting, I started drafting a proposal. After a few weeks of back and forth on maintaining both processes, I wanted to gauge interest in a crazy idea.

What if we had one product development process? 

The question was obvious and simple at its core, but obviously very difficult in practice. As we read through my brief, we came up with a bunch of reasons it couldn’t work, especially since it was hard enough to establish the two existing processes within their respective product orgs. But maybe that was the problem. If we had one well-crafted, designed, and backed by leadership process we could drive adoption across all the teams. That became our hypothesis. 

We shifted our working sessions toward taking the best of each process and building a foundation for the unified product development process we would propose to our leadership. But first, it needed a bird-related internal name. Because back then, that’s how Twitter did things (before it became boring and called itself X). After a ton of deliberation and ideas and polling our peers, we came up with Flyway. It felt good. 

But that was just the branding. Now we had to actually build the machine. 

Putting together a (few) super teams 

We had a framework, a brand, and a proposal. Now we had to get folks on board. This started with us individually getting in front of our leaders to soft-launch the idea in their heads. The two folks I worked with went to their respective product org leadership teams to share our proposal while I did the same with the Design & Research team. We spent a few weeks incorporating some feedback from those pursuits and finally got a 15 minute window with the executive leadership team at Twitter. This included Jack and his VPs and Senior Directors across the product orgs. 

We sent our proposal as a pre-read ahead of time and came to the meeting with a quick presentation that highlighted the talking points we felt would best convince this team to greenlight the effort. Our hypothesis now went beyond simply unifying and simplifying a product development process for the company. We had aims to do more, like:

• Establishing clear product development phases that we could track across a company roadmap.

• Creating templates that would act as the output for each phase - ensuring that expectations were predictable and we had shared requirements. 

• Increase the rate of product delivery across the company by making the process more efficient overall. 

• Better utilize our resources to work on the most important projects and reduce redundant efforts (since we’d be able to see what teams are working on, when, and how).

We had that one shot, and we got a greenlight. The team assigned us an executive sponsor (literally, an executive who was assigned to sponsor the program) and challenged us to have a framework ready to launch in the new year. It was late September when we had that meeting, so we got to work fast. 

Working with our new sponsor and a few other leads that we recruited, we formed our core Flyway team. We had representation from all the disciplines in addition to an Agile coach who had been hired to focus on these types of efforts. We had the framework for five product development phases that would take us from beginning to end:

1. Incubate: Incubate focuses on understanding the customer problem and identifying a proposed concept on how to solve a problem.  In this phase, a project can vary from being well-defined to narrowly defined. This phase is usually led by Design and Research as they go broad on looking for solutions to a customer problem. 

2. Define & Design: The Define phase focuses on clarifying DACIN models, identifying requirements, and defining milestones needed to solve the problem for the customer via the completion of a PRD.

3. Develop & Deploy: The Develop & Deploy phase focuses on building the solution to the customer problem. Previously this phase encompassed the launch of the product. In Flyway, Develop & Deploy focuses on the technical design, software development, and preparation for launch. 

4. Launch & Evaluate: Launch & Evaluate is the fourth phase of the Flyway product development process, focused on evaluating whether your product launch has been successful in solving the stated customer problem. This phase breaks out the steps of planning the launch, launching and evaluating the launch, and retro-ing the launch. 

5. Improve, Maintain, or Retire: Improve, Maintain or Retire is the fifth phase of Flyway. Fast-follow the completion of your evaluate phase to decide on next steps for your project. This is intended for us to understand if a product should continue to be invested in, maintained, or retired. 

With 5 clear phases, our next step was putting together a cross-function, cross-product org working team for each phase. We wanted to make sure design and research had input even in the phase more geared toward development and subsequently, that engineering had representation in the early vision phases that leaned more toward design and research. 

As we recruited ICs and managers for these teams, we set clear expectations on a time-boxed engagement. We specified three working sessions and no more than 10 hours of non-meeting work across 3 weeks. Once our teams were confirmed, we scheduled all our working sessions with notice to make sure attendance would be maximized. The teams started meeting and the details started getting hashed out. The templates, guides, and training materials wouldn’t be nearly as polished without the expertise from all the various disciplines in the room. The approach was intense, but necessary to achieve the quality we needed. The secondary benefit was that we had a built-in mechanism for driving adoption across the various teams. After all, if you worked on this, you’d want to see it succeed too. 

A lot of communication with a bit of creativity

In addition to facilitating these working team meetings, I got to work on building out a centralized knowledge base for Flyway. This started with some process maps which evolved into that cool graphic above. From there, I built an internal site using AEM to allow folks to navigate through the phases. Each phase had a description, a case study, and links to templates and examples. I created a repository for the outputs of each program that went through Flyway. So all of the PRDs that were part of the Define phase or the evaluation plans that were part of the Develop phase could be tracked across a universal roadmap. 

In addition, we kicked off office hours, a training module, and numerous explainers and playbooks for sub-teams to help contextualize the new process in relation to their existing ways of working.  I drafted comms that were sent on behalf of the executive team to launch and explain the new process. We established metrics we wanted to hit in the first half of the new year and sent bi-weekly newsletters tracking progress toward those metrics while also celebrating wins from teams using Flyway successfully. 

After 6 months: 

• We had a 92% adoption rate throughout the entire product org (Consumer and Revenue). 

• We had held 12 office hour sessions where we guided teams through the process. 

• 85% of employees completed the Flyway training module. 

• We saw a 25% year-over-year increase in product launches for the first half of the year - confirmed by quicker product development lifecycles by an average of 2 weeks. 

Flyway stands as one of the better achievements in my career. Not because I came up with the idea or kicked it off, but because I did those things from the ground up and built a team that helped me execute the vision. And it was a great achievement because it wasn’t a singular effort but instead a collaborative effort where we all stayed committed to our north star. 

Yes, there were detractors and complaints. Yes there were times where it felt impossible. Yes, there were times it felt like it would launch and then be ignored entirely. And yes, the program evaporated about a year later when Twitter went through massive change. 

That doesn't change what we accomplished. Before Flyway, I never thought an operational change at that scale was actually possible. Sure, it’s still very difficult and nearly impossible. 

But it’s possible. 

That’s the word that’s sticking with me as I start writing this recap of 2023. I only arrived here recently, because it certainly hasn’t always felt like a year to be grateful for.

This time a year ago I was going to sit down and write this recap for 2022 and it just didn’t happen. And then the next day I couldn’t muster the energy to do it. And then again the next day. Next thing I knew it was mid-Jan and the moment had passed. That ended up being emblematic of 2023, a year that wasn’t as tragic as some of our other recent years have been, but one that had a number of challenges and stagnation.

Layoffs and Career Doubts

I had ended 2022 surviving a round of layoffs at Meta, but lost my manager. And then I lost another one, and another one. It was a fun carousel of shifting priorities and no stability. Even with all of that, I went into 2023 really excited with my role at Meta. I had a full team that I loved and was enjoying being a manager. In a lot of ways, this was the role I had worked to get to for a long time in my career. But as good as my intentions were heading into the year, it only got harder and more stressful. I wasn’t in the moment at work or at home. I had a constant fear of being laid off, so I overcompensated at work to the point of burning myself out. Others at the company were doing the same thing so the environment at work was tense and it felt like everyone was elbowing past each other to prove who was worth keeping.

This has been documented all year, so I’m not breaking any news here, but it turns out that watching your colleagues across the tech industry experiencing layoffs while waiting to see if it will happen to you isn’t exactly the most healthy and productive way to live. I wrote about it when it happened to me. I remember drafting that post as the psychology of “surviving” layoffs and the guilt around that. Well, I didn’t have to worry about that because I ended getting laid off and a whole other set of feelings came over me.

It hasn’t been easy since that day in mid-April. Sure, I got a great severance package and our insurance was covered for the rest of the year, but the psychology of losing a job that I had worked hard for was more difficult than I expected. That’s on top of entering the job market the same time as all the others who had unfortunately been laid off as well. I wrote about that as well (aptly titled after the Billie Eilish song that featured in the Barbie Movie).

Imposter Syndrome & Burnout

As an adult, you don’t always have a lot to hang your hat on. Being a parent is always a challenge. You could be killing it but still feel like a total failure because your kids never really stop growing up and facing new challenges (more on that in a bit). So whether you are a parent or not, adults tend to hang their hat on their work or the equivalent. For me, particularly since I became a parent 13 years ago, having a steady job and supporting my family financially has been a big part of my identity. The fact that I’ve been able to do that while also doing work I enjoy has been a blessing. But this year, as I went through every application, every interview, and every rejection I started to lose the confidence that I was any good at any of this. Even with the knowledge that the market is saturated and that the hiring process is an absolute disaster (more on that in a future post), it’s nearly impossible to not get down when you read the 100th rejection email.

During the times I’d try to spin this whole experience as a positive, I often tried to direct myself toward having more time to focus on my hobbies or things that enrich me. In some cases I did that - I learned a bit about music production and started writing songs again, I went on hikes with Liz and the dogs, I started writing here again. - but I wasn’t consistent enough with anything. I didn’t anticipate the toll of being laid off and having to continuously apply and interview for jobs. At times I’d be working a contract job while still looking for full time work, which essentially equalled 2 full time jobs. And even when I wasn’t working and focused only on job searching, I spent the rest of my time reviewing our finances and making sure we’d be okay. There’s also a strain that comes from putting all your energy toward something where the finish line keeps moving further out. Every time I went through a full set of interview rounds hopeful for an offer, I inevitably got rejected.

That repetitive failure was the hardest part. It’s like rolling the boulder up the hill over and over again. And the few job offers I’ve had have been for contract roles and in one case a job that was a terrible fit and not something I could continue doing (it was a rare situation where working and making money in a bad environment was actually worse than job searching). Being so close to a more long-term job so many times only to have to reset my expectations was easily my biggest challenge in 2023. And as much as I wish I could’ve said it was resolved heading into 2024, it wasn’t. But hopefully soon.

Family Updates

On the family front, we’ve had a lot of change as well. Our son ‘D’ started identifying and presenting as a boy. He and his sister ‘Z’ both turned 12 and started middle school. Our son ‘H’ is somehow in 4th grade! Our daughter ‘I’ started 2nd grade and piano lessons. Our youngest son ‘P’ is in his last year of preschool and ABA and has progressed with his speech brilliantly. Our youngest kid is 5 and our two oldest are 12 which is crazy in itself. The baby/toddler days are over (we changed our last diaper in 2023!) and the teenage years are beginning. We never pretended to be ready for the teenage years but they certainly bring lots of surprises on top of what you’d expect.

And while I’ve been stagnant on the career front, Liz is kicking hers off. She’s starting school to be a vet assistant this week! She took the steps to do something she wanted to do which is as brave and courageous a thing you can do when you’ve had to be a mom to 5 kids, 3 dogs, and 2 cats and put aside your own ambitions for so long.

Speaking of dogs… we got another one! We lost our little guy Neville in 2022 and went into 2023 with Penny and Captain, our two Goldens. Near the end of the year, we fostered our friend’s dogs but ran into some difficulties and had to bring them to a shelter (they both have since been adopted to families). This whole situation was difficult on Liz and the kids, and pretty soon I knew we’d be adding a 3rd dog back into our family. Liz put together a list of adoptable dogs and one stood out in particular to me. We ended up visiting the dog I had initially liked (I’m taking full credit for this, yes) and he played well with Penny and Captain and the kids. A week later, Nova was home with us.

Some other random tidbits from the year:

• Liz traveled more than I did this year. She took a trip to California to see her friend’s graduation in May. I didn’t have a job for much of the year so I didn't get my usual opportunities to travel for work. After trips to New York and California in 2022, I was in Colorado all of 2023. I hope to change that this year.

• The kids tried a variety of activities. ‘D’ and ‘Z’ played basketball in the beginning of the year and I got to coach, but it didn’t stick. I’m still waiting for one of my kids to stick to sports so I can be a coach dad.

• ‘Z’ started choir in middle school and is really good at it, she loves to sing. ‘D’ plays the bass in orchestra which is pretty cool to watch. We try not to talk too much about it because he tends to want to drop an interest if we take too much of an interest in it (teenagers, right?).

• ‘I’ has been playing piano all year and has also tried dance, gymnastics, and basketball. She likes all of them but music seems to be her thing so we are sticking with that and exploring more next year.

• ‘P’ is weirdly good at video games. But he’s also the most expressive, daredevil kid you could meet. He’s down for almost anything and a joy to be around (most of the time).

• Liz got into houseplants and they filled our home this year. She also spent a lot of time painting with the kids. Both of these hobbies were messy but brought a lot of creativity and aesthetic to our home.

• We actually had a pretty active summer and fall - swimming at the reservoir with the dogs and the kids, going on hikes in Boulder and near Estes Park, going to a few pumpkin patches in Longmont, seeing double rainbows from our car, and taking halloween pictures on a secret trial in Lyons.

• Liz and I went to the Taylor Swift Eras tour which was awesome! It was the first concert we’ve attended since 2018 and it couldn’t have been a better experience.

Resolutions

Which brings me back to gratitude. This year was hard but I admire what we do have and am proud of the way we all fought to keep our heads up. Sometimes moving forward requires staying still for a bit.

But as I think of resolutions for 2024, the first thing that comes to mind is that I am done standing still. I learned perseverance and gratitude and patience in 2023, but in 2024 I intend to move forward. Some personal goals I have for myself:

Write more

• Songs, newsletters, case studies, whatever comes to me. I wrote so much about my career issues last year and would like to focus on the many other things I find interesting.

Create more space for my brain to pursue things I love

• With so much of my time wrapped up in job searching, I lost so much energy toward music and writing and other things I love to do. I want to get better at piano, guitar, and music production. I want to actually release music this year.

Get healthy

• 2023 took a toll on my physical health by way of my mental health. I gained weight. I stopped exercising as much as I should. I ate poorly. I slept poorly. I did my best but I intend to be better this year. I walk the dogs daily but I need to do more in terms of exercise. I need to actively remind myself to eat and sleep better, or else all the bad habits will come back.

Get out

• I want to travel and experience more things in 2024. I’ve mentioned traveling again, but I also want to attend more concerts, explore Colorado, go to more events with my family. I want to live a bit more out loud in 2024 after spending a year in what feels like hibernation.

Live and Love with Intention

• I spent so much of the last year trying to keep my head above water that I often felt disengaged from life around me. I’ve lost people close to me in the last few years and it didn’t feel good being so caught up in my own issues that I put aside relationships with family and friends. I want to be more present and engaged in the world around me.

So that’s 2023. An unspectacular, but important year. I’ll look back on this year and be happy if it ends up being a stepping stone to greater things. To 2023! May you give way to a better 2024!

Another almost two months have passed since I last wrote. I could chalk this up to a bevy of excuses but none of it is new or, frankly, enough to make me feel better about not building this habit. Here’s what’s been going on:

The Edge of Summer

The kids all went back to school! “D” and “Z” started 6th grade and Middle School while “I” started 2nd grade and “H” started fourth grade. “P” is on his third year of preschool and continuing ABA and is doing better than ever.

Last summer we were much busier and did a lot more. We took a trip to California to see family and left “D” and “Z” there for over a month with their grandparents. “I” was having friends over daily and causing all kinds of commotion. “P” and “H” were home and needing stuff to do. This summer was a lot more subdued. We went to the lake and on hikes but spent a lot of time at home as well. While I am always happy to see the kids off to school, this year I didn’t feel as desperate for it. By the time summer was coming to an end I wanted school to start more for them than me.

But why wasn’t it as hard as last summer? Are the kids getting older and easier? Maybe. Have I been home all summer trying to find jobs and feeling a bit aimless, so the kids being home as actually a nice distraction at times? Probably. Everyone is adjusting to the change now but they all have purpose and routine again. In that way I’m actually pretty jealous. Sure, I’m busy, but nothing is really consistent. And since we are probably the most neurodiverse family ever, we all thrive when there’s more structure.

Mid-Career Crisis

The search for my next full time job has gone into the 4th month now, and I’ve been through just about every stage of grief and every kind of imposter syndrome. I’ve redone my resume a dozen times and settled on 3 versions depending on the job I apply for. I’ve applied for jobs that I think I can do and then interviewed and realized they are not for me (and more often, the company has that realization before I do).

In a sense, the countless applications, screening calls, rejection emails, and conversations have helped me hone in on what I do best and what I want to do the most. But there’s also the part of me that just wants a job so we don’t have to feel any financial stress. But I also don’t do a great job faking any interest in roles that I have no interest in. I’ve never felt more volatile from day to day. Some days I get 5 rejection emails and think that no one will ever show interest in me again and that my experience must be fake. Then the next day I get a number of interview requests and feel better. The following day, I have a few connections get back to me and determine I’m not the right fit for roles I inquired about. Then the day after that I have 4 interviews in a day and feel really excited about 3 of them. And that was just this week!

Something is broken in the interview process too. Companies seem more picky than ever when there's rarely ever been a collection of available talent like this. I also find it hard to answer aspirational questions like, “What do you want out of your next role?” when my truthful answer would be, “Um, someone who pays me to do work.” And if I tried to actually explain my thoughts during the interview, I’d get into the fact that I’m applying for roles that aren’t as senior as the one I just had and that I’m doing my best to adjust myself to align and get excited about all of the roles I’m talking about. Back in October of 2021, I was playing the field and stepping into a role I had worked hard for. Now? I’m just trying to make it work.

Keeping Balance

All year, the direction of my life hasn’t cooperated very well with my neurodiversity. I started the year as motivated as anyone but spent most of the first half of the year fearing for my job, losing my job, and now looking for jobs. I dealt with some big changes in my family that I’ve talked about previously. And nothing about my day to day, aside from work, has changed in the sense that I’m still married and need to be a good partner and still a dad and need to be a good parent.

Anytime I’ve tried to introduce a new habit, my mood or my sleep gets volatile and I fall off. I have such a hard time introducing new habits or behaviors and it feels impossible when I have very little structure or predictability in my days. So all I can do is what I can do.

I’m writing on here an average of once every two months. Okay.

I’m learning about music production and practicing instruments nearly every day. Good.

I’ve walked the dogs in the morning three days in a row. Nice!

I haven’t had a late night meal in a week or so. Sweet!

I’ve physically entered my bed at around midnight 5 of the last 7 nights. Look at me go!

Through every habit tracking or day planning app, every attempt to structure my day a little more, I try to keep some big picture goals in mind so that I don’t kick myself at failing with the more complex stuff. The way I look at my personal health and balance, every day I should:

1. Move my body.

2. Learn something.

3. Do something.

It can be that simple. Moving my body could be walking the dogs for 30 mins. Learning something can be watching a video on music production, reading an article, listening to a podcast. Doing something? Cook a meal, play guitar or piano, write a blog.

I should be able to do at least one thing from each of those three categories every day. And when it’s put that way, it shouldn’t be that daunting.

I needed the rest of May to recover. And then I needed all of June to recover. Now July is here and I’m feeling a bit more like myself and trying to ease back into the habits I was trying to form before things were upended in my life repeatedly. So this newsletter will be catching up on the last two months. Some topics require their own separate post, but I’ll let you in on everything that’s been going on.

I turned 35.

I turned 35 back in May. I’ve gone back and forth on feeling unbothered by it to being in a full on panic about it. For the first time in my life, I feel a bit younger than I am, especially as I’ve started engaging in things that make me happy and creative again. But when I look at the life around me - owning a house, 5 kids, established career - in addition to the times I’ve thrown out my back brushing my teeth or how my stomach can’t handle more than a few glasses of wine, it feels more appropriate to be turning 35.

My kids insist that I’m still young in the unintentionally condescending tone that young people talk about age. I know I’m still young, especially when I see the way my mom is kicking ass in her 60s, but 35 years in opens your eyes to how brief it all can be. I’ve lost family and friends now, which wasn’t the case when I turned 30, so while I know I’m relatively young I also feel like every new year is winning a lottery of some kind. If anything, growing older encourages me to live the best way I can and chase joy in a way I took for granted when I was younger.

Being laid off was harder on me than I thought

Being laid off from Meta in April was tough, as I wrote back in April. While I did everything I could to ease myself into the job search and a new routine, I still wasn’t prepared. I went through a full interview cycle pretty quickly after coming on the market. I thought I jumped back in relatively well, but during one stretch I had 4 interviews over 3 days and didn’t show up as my best self during the 2nd of those days (partly due to being sick and partly due to not being as prepped as I would like). I still thought I did well enough to land the job but it turns out no one that was being interviewed during that time was selected. I suppose the hiring team was more picky than they needed to be.

That rejection hit me hard. On top of that, I didn’t really have any leads at the time and started spiraling on how to optimize my resume. I started losing all motivation for even applying to jobs because I felt I needed to do this thing and that thing first before I could even apply, getting myself lost in a loop of no progress. Even referrals I received from friends across the industry went little to nowhere. I was feeling pretty down in general and every subsequent rejection would send me into a depression. I hadn’t considered the effect losing my favorite job I’ve ever had would have on me. Yes, the company and the day-to-day wasn’t always great. But that job was the first time I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing and using all my strengths to their best ability. Losing all of that and having to consider jobs that don’t necessarily fit all the criteria I had before made me unmotivated to even try.

Then one week things just clicked. I finally got screen calls scheduled for a couple of roles I had applied to weeks earlier and a recruiter for a contract role got back to me after 2 weeks and setup an interview with a manager I knew previously. Entering those interview cycles and securing that contract role that runs through September completely reinvigorated me and got me back to myself. Now I’m working this contract role while continuing to interview and apply again knowing I have a bit more runway. This all makes such a huge difference. The road ahead still isn't easy and I’m more stretched by working and applying, but being financially secure in the near future and in the practice of doing the work I do has increased my confidence in the process.

My son came out as trans

This one was both a shock and completely predictable depending on how wide I was willing to open my eyes on a given day.

My son has been obsessed with “boy clothes” and “boy things” for the better part of the last year. While my wife (Liz) and I obliged by letting him choose his clothes so he could feel comfortable, we chalked a lot of this up to his latest obsession. My son is also on the autism spectrum and tends to go deep into a certain type of animal or show or game and only talk about that for months at a time. It’s not that we thought this was all a phase or anything, just that he might be projecting something else on his mind and coping by doing some “boy things” to feel unique.

Then a few things happened in succession over the last few months that put all of this into perspective:

1. As my son continued therapy, he started to tell my wife more of his preferences. He finally got to the point where he asked to be referred to with “he/him” pronouns.

2. During a checkup with his pediatrician, he got really upset when he was being examined. He was in the room privately with the doctor but my wife could hear him outside the door crying and exclaiming, “I’m not a girl! I’m a boy!” That situation was heartbreaking and showed how serious this was for him.

3. He continued to feel close to Liz and kept expressing more of his desires. He finally got to the point where he wanted to cut his hair short. I asked my friend who styles my hair if she would be willing to take the big step with my son and she agreed and handled everything in the most gentle, supportive, and loving way.

With his hair short, in the clothes that made him comfortable, and using the pronouns he identified with, suddenly my son was back to himself. During a subsequent therapy session, he asked me to join him and his therapist and I shared how he had seemed so stressed and unlike himself over the last year and that I felt more connected to him than I had in a long time.

Has this been hard and challenging? Absolutely. But all that matters is that my son is happy and comfortable in his skin. I’ll go into my journey with it all in another post sometime, but his happiness is all that matters and I’m glad we are there.

Everything Else

Throughout all of this, there’s also been the typical summer struggles of being a parent. Kids are home more and need more to do precisely at the moment you need to look for a job or do something that’s taxing on your mental energy. There was also two birthday parties for my two daughters, various appointments for the family, our cars, and more, paying off debt with some of the money from my severance, going to the lake or the pool with everyone, playing the new Zelda game which took over my brain for a month and a half, and trying to still find time to be creative and productive.

I have thoughts on music, movies, and more that I’ll share in a mid-year entertainment review post soon. I’ll also dive deeper on some of these topics over the next few months.

My hope now is that I can get back to being consistent. Thanks again for coming on my journey with me.

Top Of Mind

I’ve been more affected by the sudden change in my life than I expected. I’ve done a lot of planning and thinking about how to structure my days, but I’ve still had a very hard time getting going on anything. There’s so much more to losing your job than losing your routine; you lose daily interactions with coworkers and a sense of purpose. I’m feeling the loss of community and purpose more than anything else right now.

I’m doing my best to get by with little wins and distractions. I’ve been as easy on myself as I can be, but I want to push forward into more urgency and productivity than I have right now. It’s interesting knowing that my depression is under control, because while I am definitely down and not at 100%, I haven’t slipped into anything bad that floors me like it would in the past. Friendly PSA that therapy and medication can help improve your quality of life.

My Thoughts This Week On…

Parenting

• Maybe it’s the other difficulties going on, but parenting has been difficult lately. My youngest son has some very strong preferences right now and he has not been afraid to make them clear. Couple that with him waking up very early (5 - 6 am) most mornings, and you have a stubborn 4-year-old who seems to always want to do the opposite of what he’s supposed to.

• Turns out having two preteen girls is also difficult. My two oldest girls are neurodiverse in addition to the typical 11-and-12-year-old growing pains, so there is a lot of navigating tricky waters - like anxieties over seemingly innocuous things and repetitive obsessions that take over focus.

• I really don’t mind taking kids to activities. We’ve had the two oldest girls in basketball while our youngest girl also did basketball, dance, and then piano. What I do mind is a 6-year-old recreation league for soccer hosting games at 8am. They don’t even get up that early for school! Soccer is just not happening this season.

• Liz has handled a lot of the emotional labor with the kids lately. I’m doing my best to read the room and ease up on the kids when they are going through something while also not letting them off the hook for what they are responsible for. Again, parenting is hard and it’s something that you never get a break from. Even when they are asleep or at school, we are always thinking about them.

TV & Movies

• After finishing two shows last week, we continued watching the 5th and final season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. This show is such a great escape into a fictionalized 1950s, with whip sharp dialogue and excellent wardrobes alongside some really interesting and hilarious characters. I imagine not everyone has hung on with this show as the seasons have gone on, but it’s worth it to tune into this final season as the formula has been shaken up a bit.

• I still love Ted Lasso, it gives me laughs and pulls at my heartstrings every week. I read this piece from NPR this week, among others, that continue to find issues with the show. While I agree with a lot of the points, it hasn’t dulled the enjoyment for me.

  • For one, the actual futbol part of the story is relatively (for a show) realistic. The team is not well coached or flush with talent. They were a bottom team that barely got back into the league last season. I know people want to see them turn it around, but the time it’s taking to do so is very realistic.

  • The relationships (the main criticism of the NPR piece) are definitely not in the best place right now. I think this is by design. This season is focused on individual journeys and I think it’s leading to a “found family” resolution.

  • TV lends itself to more scrutiny because we look at it episodically. Yes, an episode on its own should be enjoyable and have a story arc that is satisfying, but in terms of the overall arc of a season, I’m content waiting to see how it all develops and connects. I think it’s hard to see the bigger picture when we get it piece by piece.

Music

• Joseph released their album, The Sun, last week. I don’t enjoy it as much as their previous album Good Luck, Kid, but the album has some beautiful vocals (can’t beat that sister blood harmony), dives into some new sounds for the band, and touches on some relatable topics like failing relationships and the benefits of therapy. The more upbeat, pop-inspired songs have caught on with me while the more eclectic songs haven’t quite hit yet. I want to give this album more time before I have a final verdict.

• Kesha announced a new album Gag Order alongside two singles, “Eat the Acid” and “Fine Line”. The singles and the apparent direction of the album are much, much different from anything she’s done. I was pretty floored by the lyrics and the musical approach of both songs. There was very little to no percussion, a heavy dose of synth, and a decidedly dark, brooding sound overall. Kesha has been through a ton over the last decade and it doesn’t seem like things have gotten better the way it should have. I hate hearing about what she’s continuing to go through, but this album has potential to be something really special that comes out of a very difficult time for her.

• I dove back into Halsey’s If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power the last few days after hearing “Bells of Santa Fe” in an episode of You. I knew I’d love this album when it came out but it finally clicked fully for me. The production by Atticus Ross and Trent Reznor is outstanding, as each song is a whole new experience. If you missed out on this album, I highly recommend giving it a spin.

Sports

• The NBA Playoffs have been outstanding, particularly the Kings-Warriors series that went 7 games. I grew up in the Bay Area and naturally adopt the Warriors as my team, but I actually didn’t get into basketball until I was in high school. I went to high school in the Sacramento area in 2002, right when the Kings were one of the best teams in the league. That was the team that got me into the NBA and basketball in general. So overall, this series was awesome for me to watch. I love both teams and it was extremely competitive and entertaining. The rest of the series have had all kinds of incredible storylines and performances. After what I felt was a historically bland regular season, these playoffs have been the exact opposite.

• The NFL draft was fun to follow again this year. I love seeing videos of guys getting drafted and fulfilling their dreams. I’m a total sucker for that kind of stuff. I can’t believe how big the draft has become - 3 days of intrigue and projections and grades for how teams did. It’s wild how popular the NFL is (and how much I am part of the problem).

• My biggest nerd moment of the week? On Friday night I was giddily watching the Kings-Warriors game on the tv while watching the NFL draft on my iPad and following commentary on Twitter on my phone. I said goodnight to Liz and ran back downstairs to be a total nerd about sports. I’m lucky she doesn’t judge me too much.

Health & Wellness

• I ended up doing a simple meal prep last week that covered 3 of my lunches during the week. We are starting to expand on some of the recipes and shopped for some better ingredients this week so we can expand some of these healthy meals to our dinners as well. Baby steps.

• I also ended up working out 3 times last week which was a huge accomplishment! I lifted weights and cycled between the Peloton and the elliptical. The workouts are not very structured yet, but I’m trying to bias to action and at least I made progress last week.

Playing Music

• I started the week off not playing my instruments very much which caused me some disappointment. As the week came to an end I picked things back up and practiced guitar and piano a bunch while also playing some ukulele and fiddling with my lap steel guitar.

• I’m hoping to dive into learning some music production this week. I made a list of weekly goals and prioritized that. I have a ton of song ideas and I really want to start getting them recorded.

That’s all for today. Thanks for reading and giving me some of your time.

Now that I’ve started writing again, I’m excited to start weekly summary posts (really, a prime function of newsletters). Throughout the years of thinking about writing, I’ve always felt this would be a good avenue for getting out my thoughts on various topics without having to dedicate an entire post to something that doesn’t merit one.

I’ll always open with some general thoughts on a single topic and then some scattered thoughts on a variety of topics. If you enjoy this, let me know! If you have suggestions or feedback, please share it with me as well.

Top Of Mind

Last week was a bit of a rollercoaster. If you haven’t seen my last post, I was laid off from my job at Meta. The axe fell on Wednesday morning and then I caught a cold so it wasn’t a great week overall. I’ve gone through a lot of different emotions about all of this (which I wrote about in that post), but I’ve ultimately arrived at feeling grateful for my time there, the experience I gained, and the people I got to work with. I’m working on my overall plan on how to attack my days going forward, but I need to be easy on myself if I don’t quite job search, workout, eat meal prepped food, be productive around the house, play music, and write every day. I’ve created a schedule that allows for flexibility and doesn’t expect all of things on a given day, but I’d like to use my unemployed time building better habits that can stay with me when I get my next job.

Overall, I think time off will be good for me, even if job searching in this market is even more stressful than a typical job search. My network has been incredible and I’ve had a number of conversations about new roles without putting my full effort into it yet, so I’m optimistic. I had therapy today and feel good about how I’ve processed everything so far. In the past I’d jump into fight mode and hyper focus on finding a job and only finding a job, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned how to keep myself healthy and balanced which allows me to grind when I need to.

My Thoughts This Week On…

Parenting

• It’s crazy how the kids will wake up at 6am on a Sunday and come into our room all energized and wanting to go downstairs when we had no plans except for our lazy Sunday. Then this morning I had to drag all the kids out of bed at 8am so they could go to school. It’s not there was a continental breakfast waiting for them that was gone at 8 or something.

• We are heading into the last month of the school year and I can see all of the kids starting to burn out. I always forget how difficult the last month is. I really wish there was a year-round school schedule with 3-week breaks every season. You could break up the weeks or combine them depending on the season. It would make taking time off from work easier and eliminate all the random days off or shortened days during the school year that teachers need because they’d have dedicated time during each quarter of the year. Maybe I’m being too simplistic and there’s a reason for how most of the United States does it, but summer is really hard to plan around 5 kids.

TV & Movies

• Liz (my wife) and I finished the current seasons of You and Ginny & Georgia in the last week. You season 4 was outrageous and stretched beyond plausibility but also fascinating, pulpy, and exciting. Ginny & Georgia played along many of the same lines, with terrific acting and some good representation of mental health issues. I’d recommend both shows from the beginning if you haven’t seen them.

• We’ve also been tuning in weekly to Ted Lasso and that show continues to hit the exact spot that I need every week. I know there’s all this discourse about the show but I don’t care. It’s funny, it’s sentimental, and it’s interesting. I will be so sad when the season is over.

Music

• Last week I saw the Tiny Desk Concert with Raye, which was absolutely stunning. It got me to dive into her excellent first album My 21st Century Blues and I listened for a week straight. Her voice is stellar and the production on the album is outstanding. She pulls from genres like dance, electronica, jazz, R&B, and pop and melds them together into a raw, emotional memoir on her life to this point and her struggles in the music industry.

• Every time I drive with my youngest son, he demands that I play Fall Out Boy’s latest album, So Much [For] Stardust. While I’m starting to get tired of the songs, the album is their best since Save Rock ‘n Roll and has some full time bangers. I thought I was over this band and this album very much brought me back.

• Joseph, a band I’ve loved since they burst onto the scene in 2016 with “White Flag”, is releasing a new album this week and the two singles they’ve released so far are very much on par with all the excellent music they’ve made to this point. I am very excited for this album.

Video Games

• I finished my second play-through of The Last of Us: Part II. I first played that game after a very difficult time in my life in late 2020 which added to the emotional impact. Playing it now, I was struck by how jarring the violence was. I also understood the part that grief plays in the narrative a bit more. Fans of the show are in for quite a ride when this game gets adapted over the next two seasons.

• I’ve started the Horizon: Forbidden West expansion “Burning Shores” and the graphics are stunning. It’s been so long since I played the game that I’m having a hard time getting back into all the mechanics, but I did play a side mission that tugged at the heart strings with the return of an old character. That was all I needed to be fully invested in the great voice acting, the sci-fi plot, and the delightful gameplay. I’ll share more when I finish it.

Health & Wellness

• Meal Prep is so simple but so hard to get started. I have such a hard time starting something when there is so much out there. All these different recipes and methods overwhelm me when I really need to start with a simple 3-4 ingredient meal, make 5 of them for lunch during the week, and build on that.

• Working out is the same thing. I got these new home gym machines and I am blocked on starting a routine. All I need to do is lift some weights and get on the Peloton or the Elliptical, it’s really not that complicated!

• Intermittent fasting has probably come the easiest of all of these simply because it’s not doing something. So all I have to do is not eat after a certain time until another time in the morning? Okay, that I can do.

• Tune in next week to see if I’ve made any progress here.

That’s quite a bit for today, I’ll talk to you all again next week!

I was impacted by layoffs at Meta this week. This is the second round of layoffs I’ve experienced in the last 6 months. In November, the axe dropped suddenly while this time around they gave us about a month notice. If anything, this has been a unique experiment in which approach is better; the cuts you don’t see coming or the ones you are anticipating and more prepared for.

I can’t really say which method I prefer, only that the scenario I find myself in is inherently frustrating and draining. I survived the November layoffs but lost my manager, my former manager, and then my replacement manager left a few weeks after. Then this time around I was impacted and my team was split up and assigned to three different managers. The impact is heavy whether you are impacted or not, all it guarantees is that there is more upheaval and adjustment ahead.

The end of last year was not easy. So I headed into this year hoping things might be a little more stressful than usual but overall stable. Then in March, the news came that another round of layoffs was coming. I did my best to “focus on what I could control” but with about a week until layoffs all the productivity and zen went away and was replaced by anxiety and feeling stuck. The night before was especially difficult as I struggled with whether to sleep and wake up early to wait for the news or just stay up altogether. I got decent sleep, woke up at 4am, and had the email by 5am.

There was a mix of anger, embarrassment, frustration, and relief after I read that my job was being eliminated.

I know layoffs aren’t necessarily a reflection of the person or the work they do, but it’s hard not to feel slighted and disrespected when you are thrown to the curb after giving nearly two years to a company.

I’ve been affected by layoffs before and it is never fun, but these last 6 months have been an actual trend across the tech industry. Losing your job is already extremely stressful, but I’ve always left a job and entered into a fairly robust job market. That is not the case now. Tech is in a weird place, a downturn, and it’s hard to feel good about job prospects when any job you might apply to is at a company that also went through layoffs recently. Not to mention that I’ve moved to Colorado, which took me out of the Bay Area tech hub and limits my job prospects to remote work unless I can find a job in Boulder or Denver. With rolling layoffs across the industry, you also deal with far more competition for the open roles that are out there.

All the pressure of maintaining a fairly high stress, high paying job is enough on its own, but when you have to enter into a job market like this, it adds to the pressure in a way I haven’t quite experienced. I’ve been on the precipice of having to take a bad job to keep going but I’ve never had to actually make that jump. I’ve always figured something out before my finances ran dry. I’ve already made a schedule for my new work week to focus on staying productive and making time for enriching activities that I haven’t had as much time for (writing, music, exercise), optimizing to make sure I don’t have an expectation of applying to jobs for 10-hours a day.

Regardless, it’s all a big shift and one that is difficult to transition to. I spent so much of my early career jumping around and making moves so I could secure the right level and the right role for what I want to do. In the last 5 years I’ve really yearned to be somewhere long term, but my last two stops haven’t worked out that way due more to the company than myself. And that’s a weird place to be! Maybe we were engrained this idea by our parents, but I thought I could settle somewhere for at least 5 years. After all, my parents worked at companies for 10 plus years. Instead, I’m just trying to make it to 2 years at a company before they make major shifts that force me to leave before I wanted to (Twitter) or lay me off because they overestimated their growth (Meta).

Make no mistake, this is a downturn.

The high perks, move-fast-and-break-things, throw money around era in tech is done. This would be fine if the return could mean more stability and predictability. But we are in that middle zone where we have none of it.

Here’s to sailing into stormy seas to find the next fish.

I’ve spent the better part of 2 years (and really like 8 years before that) trying to get back into writing. There have been so many starts and stops and little moments of inspiration that are quickly dashed by *gesturing toward the world* everything.

There was a divorce and the move from Oregon back to California. There was a new relationship and more children. There was Covid. There was another cross-state move from California to Colorado. There was a really difficult loss of someone we were close to. Then there was another.

And through it all I’ve always visualized it in my head.

I’m going to write a newsletter! It’ll be about this thing! But maybe I can do sections about this other thing? It’ll be weekly. Maybe it’ll be multiple times a week on a different focus area? Substack seems like the place to go. Maybe I should go back to Medium where I felt comfortable for a few years? Ooooh Twitter bought Revue and you can publish newsletters there! Oh, wait, Elon took over and that service is shut down. Wait, Tumblr is making a comeback? Wow! Look at a my old posts. Some of it was some real nonsense but dammit was I consistent. Well maybe I can cross-post to all the platforms.

On and on and on.

If you couldn’t tell by now, I was diagnosed with ADHD during that time. So maybe I could write an ADHD blog? Nah, there are good ones out there already.

Well what about a parenting blog? I have 4 neurodiverse children (3 diagnosed with ASD, 4 with ADHD), while my wife and I both have ADHD ourselves. You should see our prescription pickups! Nah, it’s not the only thing I want to write about and I’m not sure how to share about it yet.

Hmmm, I could write a making music blog? But I just got back into doing that and it’s kind of my little space to escape. I also don’t want to pretend I’m some expert yet. I’m just having fun playing instruments and doing some production stuff.

Okay, I could definitely do a little pop-culture roundup thing! But some weeks I don’t watch a single show, or I tend to play one video game for months. We barely get out to the movies. I have a book backlog that’s as big as an actual library.

Maybe I can do another “white guy working in tech” blog. I can get all into crypto and AI and talk about how I’ve worked for Netflix and Apple and Meta and Twitter and give career tips and start getting super popular on LinkedIn or something.

Okay that last one was definitely never something that crossed my mind.

See, this is how my brain works. It’s perfectionism forcing me into inaction. I probably think more about the things I never get off the ground than the work I actually do every day.

So in therapy recently, we focused in on how to bias toward action. With piano, it’s become a habit of walking into my office and playing for 2-3 mins. And then I naturally walk out and check on what my family is up to. Then maybe I come back in and play for another 5 mins. Some nights I’ll play for 20 mins before I go to bed. With working out, it’s having a structure that can be easily picked up when the urge strikes me. So, I have a weight lifting plan or a cardio plan ready to go when I get the motivation, so I can act on it quickly and not overthink it. Or it’s just walking the dogs so that I can move.

Shit, maybe this is an ADHD blog…

Anyway, my conclusion is that this just needs to be my blog. My mind goes many places and I’m only going to stay engaged if I can indulge in all of that. When I write music I don’t really stick to a genre, I just write what feels like me at the time. So why not apply the same logic to writing? I know the audience and the metrics and all that won’t be the same if I don’t specialize, but that’s not me so I won’t force it.

My life is a ton of data points on an x and a y axis, scattered all over. There’s no line to draw through them other than me, my experience.

This is me trying. So, I hope you follow along.

The Details

I joined Twitter in March of 2020. If that time sounds familiar then you know it was right at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. I had an onsite interview scheduled that was moved to a virtual call, that’s how aligned the beginning of my time at Twitter was with the great shutdown of 2020.

Twitter was one of the companies I always wanted to work for. I love the product. I love the conversation aspect of social media. Obviously I love videos and pictures and all that, but those aren’t things I feel very comfortable sharing of myself. I’ve always communicated best in text and Twitter is #1 for that. Before Twitter I worked at Apple, Tonal, and then Netflix. All of these jobs were super cool and big steps in my career, but when that Twitter offer came I was a different kind of ecstatic.

After I joined Twitter, the task ahead of me and my team was significant. We were standing up a DesignOps / Design Program Management function in a company that had never had it. We started as a team of four across multiple initiatives and product areas, and there really was not even close to enough resources for us to even support the highest priority projects going on. Individually, I was responsible for supporting the entire Revenue organization, which was an impossible task. I did my best to take a 10,000ft approach but it was still very overwhelming and as someone who has since been diagnosed with ADHD, was an extremely difficult hurdle to overcome.

There was also a culture shift in motion at Twitter, and when I interviewed I was under the impression that a direct feedback, decisive, and empathetic style was what Twitter was looking for. I came in with that approach and it wasn’t quite met with open arms. There definitely was a cohort of folks who still embraced a culture of “being nice” over getting things done.

This all caused me to retreat a bit. While I do have values and still felt that more process and organizational excellence was necessary, I also didn’t want my time there to be full of conflict. I looked for lanes where I could operate and make changes for the better. I even found a group of folks who wanted to revamp the Product Development Process at Twitter, and we ended up launching it earlier this year.

I continued to struggle with being spread too thin and with constant changes in the organizational structure and a lack of definition over our roles. As 2020 wound down, a lot of personal tragedy happened and I looked forward to entering 2021 with a reset of sorts. Unfortunately, 2021 came with many resets, but the amount of change and the influx of an entire agency that we acquired (Ueno) really threw things for a loop. Tenured folks kept leaving and we brought in a large number of new hires at once while still not having tools and organization and process. I know many cringe at the idea of operational process, but I’ve been doing this long enough to know that operating in chaos is not sustainable. Creatives need structure and need to know what’s expected. People need to do what they are great at without having to reinvent the wheel every time.

The changes continued through the summer. It’s all been documented in the New York Times and in FastCo and I’m not really interested in adding more to the discourse, but the struggles I had lined up with what many current and ex employees experienced. I had no growth path at Twitter, mostly because the path was never set. I also felt like I wasn’t good at what I did anymore, because I could never really do it.

The NYT article came out on the first day of a 3-week break I was encouraged to take. The timing of all of that was not lost on me, especially as recruiters started reaching out. I was still reluctant for about a week but as I continued to reflect on my career and my life in this moment, I finally crossed the threshold of opening myself up to something new. And that led me to what’s next.

"The Company" vs "The Product"

What started as a dalliance with Facebook ended up winning me over in the end. I approached the opportunity with a lot of skepticism and laid out the parameters I needed in order to make a switch. Ultimately, through the interviews and recruiting process, I felt that every criteria I cared about was met or exceeded.

First of all, Facebook offered me growth, both immediate and in the future. The role I’m taking on brings me back to being a manager within DesignOps.

Second, the opportunity to be fully remote like I was at Twitter was offered, with the ability to travel to offices when they reopen. This scenario is what I need at this point in my life, with 5 kids and living in Colorado. I declined other opportunities because I wasn’t willing to move to one of the company hubs.

Third, Facebook offers a situation where there is established process and a community of DesignOps that I can connect with and learn from. I know going in that I can show up and do my job without having to reinvent entire systems and processes.

And it was in these things that I craved that I realized how different my ambitions are today. I spent a lot of my career in the past decade going to startups and small agencies with the distinct goal to establish DesignOps for Product Development or Creative Ops. I loved coming into the chaos and adding process that I knew was pretty simple but would make huge inroads with my creative teams. I even enjoyed the stress and the back and forth with other leaders over doing the right thing.

And now? Well I have a big family and I’ve had a lot happen that has changed my perspective. Five kids aged 10 and younger tends to pull a lot of focus away. I want to be present in the other aspects of my life. I’m in my early 30’s, and there is so much time in my career left for me to go and dedicate a majority of my energy toward the unique and difficult challenges I faced at Twitter. I think that when I joined I was prepared to do just that, but the pandemic happened and my kids were home all the time and two of my kids lost their mom and suddenly we were moving out of state because our lease got cancelled.

Despite all of that, I felt a bit apprehensive leaving Twitter (a product I love) and joining Facebook (especially in light of the week they’ve had). But I came to realize the difference between “The Company” and “The Product”. Ultimately, I chose a company that aligns with my growth and my individual needs at this time over a company that creates a product that I love and will still continue to use. When I was younger, the dream of working for certain companies was always in the excitement of working for a company who’s products I love. I work at Apple! I use all their stuff! I work at Netflix, I love their shows!

Joining Facebook now is so different, and not because I don’t love their products. Instagram and Whatsapp are awesome. The Facebook app itself is so much more than a lightning rod social media app. But it’s not even about the products to me, it’s the opportunity and the manager I’m going to work with. It’s the team I get to build and the programs I get to implement. Maybe this all will go south unexpectedly and maybe I’ll be looking for the right fit again. But I feel more confident in taking a job because it’s right for me at this point in my life over taking a job because I love what they do.

I do know that since this loss I have become so much more aware of grief and how it encompasses every emotion and every moment in some way or another. Grief takes so many forms, but the apex of it lives in the death of a loved one.

I had mused early last year that I had been lucky to that point that I hadn’t lost anyone extremely close to me in my life. I have all of my parents, my siblings, my best friends both current and past, and a really large majority of my extended and in-law families still around. Back in 2017, I had lost a grandmother (on my step-dad’s side) that lived with me much of my young life, but she had lived a long and fruitful life and her passing was more a celebration and appreciation. While there was a void left behind, the time she had spent here with us had felt full, I didn’t feel like there was anything we had missed out on.

Come to think of it, I did have a mentor who passed shortly after I graduated high school. That was formative back then, but also felt so connected to a past I have long since left behind. It’s crazy to think that was more than 10 years ago now.

My point is that around this time last year, I had felt relatively unscathed by the permanence of death. All the death I had dealt with to that point was understandable and I could be at peace with it. I only had the fear of losing loved ones back then: I have five kids, I cannot bear the thought of any of them leaving before me. My wife is as essential of a person I have ever had in my life. My mother is my hero and someone I both prepare to live without and cannot bear to live without, and everyone else in my life feels like a fixture that I’m not eager to see removed.

A few months later, in June, my grandmother on my dad’s side passed away from cancer. I remember feeling so frustrated at my lack of outward emotion. I felt so much guilt in her death. Though she too had lived a relatively full life, she still felt so vibrant and young only months prior. My last view of her was in a hospital bed over Facetime, barely able to speak because her throat was so sore. I told her I loved her but not in the sweeping, heartfelt way I imagined. We blew each other kisses and my aunt ended the call. The next day she was gone. She was the first person of whom I felt an absence. I thought of her worries and her cooking and her laugh. The way she made things with her hands and had a folksy way of judging but also staying optimistic about everyone. She loved being a grandma and she loved being a great-grandma. I’m glad I was the first of her grandchildren to do that for her. She was also so proud of me and, unlike my dad, that meant something.

I didn’t tell my kids for a while about it. Covid had upended everything and I just didn’t want to add to it. We had a beautiful visit with her earlier that year and she gave each of the girls an ornament she made as a keepsake. We had as perfect a last family gathering as you could hope for, just weeks before Covid really shut everything down. When I did tell the girls, they cried. To them, she was just pure happiness and sweetness. That’s what she was to me too, even when I was annoyed with how much she worried about everything.

In that moment grief felt like a mix of love, sadness, guilt, and regret. I didn’t really talk to her after she left, but I thought about her a lot. I’ve long moved past the moments that I feel drew a line between childhood and adulthood (I am 32-years-old, on my second marriage, and with 5 kids, after all), but this was a loss of someone I knew my entire life, which was new for me. My memories of her flashed between my childhood searching for easter eggs in her yard to my own children doing the same. It’s hard not to feel the significance of that.

At that time I thought that would be my greatest test of grief, but I was in for a really unwelcome surprise.

To be continued…

What is this? 

Hey! I’m Corey. I love writing but I stopped for a few years for some reason. Well actually it’s because I went through a lot of shit, which coincidentally gave me a ton to write about. 

What do you write about? 

I’m an open book, so that’s what I’ll write about. But more specifically, I love a lot of things so I want to keep this open. I know that goes against the whole specialty principle of this site and other blogs, but I also think there’s a space for people who are also Jacks, Jills, and Theys of-all-trades. 

Specific topics you’ll see here range from pop-culture to cooking, wellness and mental health to poetry, and a lot of musings about the goings on in the world. 

Give us more info about you.

Sure! I’m in my early-to-mid thirties. I work in the tech industry, specifically as a Design Program Manager. I am married and I have five kids. My first two kids are from my ex-wife who passed away last year. Two of my other kids are from my wife’s previous relationship and I adopted them, and my fifth kid is the one we had together. I initially went to college for journalism but switched majors a few times until I landed on Organizational Management, which I studied at University of San Francisco. I have lied in the Bay Area of California for most of my life, though I briefly lived in Arizona and lived in Portland, Oregon for about five years. 

Anything Else? 

Please subscribe! This means a lot to me! I have no current plans to make this a paid newsletter and want a place to share, journal, and mess around with some creative stuff. I really hope you enjoy it.