What Was I Made For?
Another almost two months have passed since I last wrote. I could chalk this up to a bevy of excuses but none of it is new or, frankly, enough to make me feel better about not building this habit. Here’s what’s been going on:
The Edge of Summer
The kids all went back to school! “D” and “Z” started 6th grade and Middle School while “I” started 2nd grade and “H” started fourth grade. “P” is on his third year of preschool and continuing ABA and is doing better than ever.
Last summer we were much busier and did a lot more. We took a trip to California to see family and left “D” and “Z” there for over a month with their grandparents. “I” was having friends over daily and causing all kinds of commotion. “P” and “H” were home and needing stuff to do. This summer was a lot more subdued. We went to the lake and on hikes but spent a lot of time at home as well. While I am always happy to see the kids off to school, this year I didn’t feel as desperate for it. By the time summer was coming to an end I wanted school to start more for them than me.
But why wasn’t it as hard as last summer? Are the kids getting older and easier? Maybe. Have I been home all summer trying to find jobs and feeling a bit aimless, so the kids being home as actually a nice distraction at times? Probably. Everyone is adjusting to the change now but they all have purpose and routine again. In that way I’m actually pretty jealous. Sure, I’m busy, but nothing is really consistent. And since we are probably the most neurodiverse family ever, we all thrive when there’s more structure.
Mid-Career Crisis
The search for my next full time job has gone into the 4th month now, and I’ve been through just about every stage of grief and every kind of imposter syndrome. I’ve redone my resume a dozen times and settled on 3 versions depending on the job I apply for. I’ve applied for jobs that I think I can do and then interviewed and realized they are not for me (and more often, the company has that realization before I do).
In a sense, the countless applications, screening calls, rejection emails, and conversations have helped me hone in on what I do best and what I want to do the most. But there’s also the part of me that just wants a job so we don’t have to feel any financial stress. But I also don’t do a great job faking any interest in roles that I have no interest in. I’ve never felt more volatile from day to day. Some days I get 5 rejection emails and think that no one will ever show interest in me again and that my experience must be fake. Then the next day I get a number of interview requests and feel better. The following day, I have a few connections get back to me and determine I’m not the right fit for roles I inquired about. Then the day after that I have 4 interviews in a day and feel really excited about 3 of them. And that was just this week!
Something is broken in the interview process too. Companies seem more picky than ever when there's rarely ever been a collection of available talent like this. I also find it hard to answer aspirational questions like, “What do you want out of your next role?” when my truthful answer would be, “Um, someone who pays me to do work.” And if I tried to actually explain my thoughts during the interview, I’d get into the fact that I’m applying for roles that aren’t as senior as the one I just had and that I’m doing my best to adjust myself to align and get excited about all of the roles I’m talking about. Back in October of 2021, I was playing the field and stepping into a role I had worked hard for. Now? I’m just trying to make it work.
Keeping Balance
All year, the direction of my life hasn’t cooperated very well with my neurodiversity. I started the year as motivated as anyone but spent most of the first half of the year fearing for my job, losing my job, and now looking for jobs. I dealt with some big changes in my family that I’ve talked about previously. And nothing about my day to day, aside from work, has changed in the sense that I’m still married and need to be a good partner and still a dad and need to be a good parent.
Anytime I’ve tried to introduce a new habit, my mood or my sleep gets volatile and I fall off. I have such a hard time introducing new habits or behaviors and it feels impossible when I have very little structure or predictability in my days. So all I can do is what I can do.
I’m writing on here an average of once every two months. Okay.
I’m learning about music production and practicing instruments nearly every day. Good.
I’ve walked the dogs in the morning three days in a row. Nice!
I haven’t had a late night meal in a week or so. Sweet!
I’ve physically entered my bed at around midnight 5 of the last 7 nights. Look at me go!
Through every habit tracking or day planning app, every attempt to structure my day a little more, I try to keep some big picture goals in mind so that I don’t kick myself at failing with the more complex stuff. The way I look at my personal health and balance, every day I should:
Move my body.
Learn something.
Do something.
It can be that simple. Moving my body could be walking the dogs for 30 mins. Learning something can be watching a video on music production, reading an article, listening to a podcast. Doing something? Cook a meal, play guitar or piano, write a blog.
I should be able to do at least one thing from each of those three categories every day. And when it’s put that way, it shouldn’t be that daunting.